Someday…

 

Another level of growth. Another painful, internal struggle.
I wrestle with my worth. I struggle with comparisons.
I am plagued by judgments.
Mainly about myself.
Externalized towards others.
She is beautiful and gets the attention of those around her.
I fight and buck and thrash against what is. Against reality.
All because I need the validation.
I need the attention.
I am more selfish than I ever knew.
Look at ME.
See ME.
Validate ME.
Love ME.
And in this place, I am stuck.
In the murk and mire.
In the pit of despair. In my own personal hell.
Attention seeking. Unloving. Jealous. Insecure.
Is what I then become.
How to change this deeply rooted part of me?
This part that is not me, but has clung on so desperately,
Like a leech on a leg.
What to do about it?
Nothing.
I don’t have to “fix” myself or discover a solution to the problem.
I
 just know that this exists within me. I take responsibility for it.
There is no one to blame.
I sit with it and am aware of it all.
And with this awareness comes peace.
Peace that in time this wounded part of me will heal.
And that someday I will see the attention given to the beautiful woman
and all I will feel is gratitude and love.

 

 

2 Responses to Someday…

  1. Joel April 18, 2015 at 7:41 am #

    “…with this awareness comes peace.”

    Thank you for your continued, thought-provoking essays …

    Yes, we all have our dark and ugly natures, and we deny, disguise, or try to correct them. But, they are also the source for our strength, that, when properly tempered, managed, and directed by our positive and the brighter aspects, actually define our character toward being something special. They make us better in The Whole, and someday … with this awareness (also), comes a peace… At least, I like to think it will … and I think you do too. Be patient my friend.

    (hope your feeling better Janice)

    • Janice Burt April 19, 2015 at 3:15 am #

      Thank you for your continued support and encouragement! We definitely all have ‘stuff’. I just long to be completely free. What that must feel like! 🙂

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