Another level of growth. Another painful, internal struggle.
I wrestle with my worth. I struggle with comparisons.
I am plagued by judgments.
Mainly about myself.
Externalized towards others.
She is beautiful and gets the attention of those around her.
I fight and buck and thrash against what is. Against reality.
All because I need the validation.
I need the attention.
I am more selfish than I ever knew.
Look at ME.
And in this place, I am stuck.
In the murk and mire.
In the pit of despair. In my own personal hell.
Attention seeking. Unloving. Jealous. Insecure.
Is what I then become.
How to change this deeply rooted part of me?
This part that is not me, but has clung on so desperately,
Like a leech on a leg.
What to do about it?
I don’t have to “fix” myself or discover a solution to the problem.
I just know that this exists within me. I take responsibility for it.
There is no one to blame.
I sit with it and am aware of it all.
And with this awareness comes peace.
Peace that in time this wounded part of me will heal.
And that someday I will see the attention given to the beautiful woman
and all I will feel is gratitude and love.